How Do You Navigate Dating as a Non-Binary Person?
A conversation with Papa de
Published on July 16th, 2026
Heteronormative dating is full of unspoken rules. Who makes the first move, who texts first, who gets called “masculine” or “feminine.” For queer people, those expectations rarely disappear. And they can become even harder to navigate for non-binary people.
I spoke with Papa de, a Berlin-based creative originally from Uganda, about finding freedom beyond labels, dating apps that weren’t built with them in mind, and why communication is the sexiest thing you can bring to a date.
What does being non-binary mean to you?
I usually describe myself as non-binary queer. Sometimes I’ll say non-binary trans, especially if I’m speaking in trans spaces. Non-binary people are part of the trans umbrella, and I want to affirm that connection because I’m just as non-binary as I am trans.
In more heteronormative spaces, though, I often don’t say anything. I already know my queerness probably won’t be understood or validated.
For me, being non-binary isn’t about choosing between being a man or a woman. I simply exist in my most authentic form of self that is not bound by any gender expectations.
When I was perceived as a woman, there were expectations about how I should dress, behave, and show up. Since coming out as non-binary six years ago, I feel so much freer. I don’t feel confined anymore. I can interpret gender in the way that feels right for me.
Has that changed the way you experience dating?
Completely.
When I identified as a cis woman, I identified as a lesbian, so I thought I could only date women. But thinking beyond the gender binary has really helped me to open myself up to so much more. I’m attracted to women, non-binary people, trans men, transmasculine people… my perspective completely changed.
I still remember the first time I had a crush on a trans man. I thought, “Oh my God, they’re hot. I want to kiss them.” But it caught me off guard because I identified as a woman then, and I felt like there was only one way to be a lesbian: being attracted only to women. But now that I freed myself from the shackles of how to love and be loved, I know that none of that matters as long as there is synergy and attraction.
Being non-binary gave me permission to stop boxing myself in: not just in terms of gender, but in terms of attraction too. Because I don’t occupy a place on the gender spectrum, terms like attraction to “same” or “opposite” gender don’t make sense for me.
The same goes for how I present. If a woman wears a dress one day and something more tomboyish the next, people would notice that she changed her style. But being non-binary, I give myself permission to break free from any expectations and just not confine myself to this or that. I get to exist without constantly performing gender. After all, I’m constantly becoming.
What’s been the most frustrating part of dating apps?
Having to explain myself.
As soon as I put “non-binary” in my profile, so many conversations started with questions about my identity or even my genitals. I’m not on dating apps to educate people.
Sometimes it also feels like people aren’t actually interested in me. They’re interested in the idea they have of me.
If I say I’m non-binary and I’m looking to date women, people often assume I should make the first move because they read me as somehow closer to being a man. Other people match with me out of curiosity rather than attraction.
That feels terrible. I don’t want someone who’s looking for a “man-like woman”, because masculinity isn’t a direct synonym for “man”.
Attraction should be enough.
Is flirting in real life any easier?
It depends on the space.
If I’m somewhere queer, I feel much more comfortable. Outside of queer spaces, I rarely approach people because I don’t want every interaction to turn into a conversation where I’m explaining my identity.
Depending on how I’m dressed, people might read me as a man or as a woman. I often feel like I need to tell people who I am quite early on, just so they understand who they’re actually flirting with.
Most of the time, I’d rather have someone else make the first move. Not because I don’t want to flirt, but because I don’t always feel free to do so. I’m afraid people won’t perceive me for who I really am.
Have you ever felt misunderstood while dating?
Definitely.
Sometimes it’s never said out loud, but you can feel the expectations.
Because I present more masculine, people often expect me to take on a traditionally masculine role in dating. They’ll expect me to make the first move, open the door, take the lead.
And I’m like, “You can open the door for me too. Sometimes I want to be the pillow princess.”
Those assumptions don’t really come from who I am. They come from how people interpret masculinity. For me, attraction works best when people are comfortable moving beyond those expectations.
How do you relate to hookup culture?
I’m on the asexual spectrum, so intimacy doesn’t automatically mean sex for me.
Sometimes I want someone to come home with me, cuddle, kiss, stay up talking all night. That can feel incredibly intimate without leading to sex.
I wish we gave ourselves permission to define what a hookup actually means. It doesn’t have to follow one script.
As a non-binary person, conversations around dysphoria are also important. Talking about bodies and boundaries doesn’t make a moment less sexy; it makes it safer.
I also think about how much queer hookup culture revolves around clubs and alcohol. As someone who’s sober, that can feel alienating. Sometimes home feels much safer than a club.
If you could change one thing about dating, what would it be?
More care.
On apps, I’d love to see more ways for people to express what they’re actually looking for: not just “relationship”, but things like “I’d rather cuddle,” or “Let’s talk about boundaries first.”
In real life, I’d love for people to practise more care with each other too.
Communication shouldn’t kill the mood. It creates trust.
What’s one piece of advice you’d give another non-binary person who’s just starting to date?
Don’t shrink yourself. Don’t change who you are to make other people comfortable.
Be honest about your boundaries, your desires, how you want to be loved, and how you want to be fucked.
People are going to make assumptions about you. That’s unavoidable.
But the right people won’t ask you to become smaller just so they can understand you.